Ah, Rats

As I stood staring at the opposite platform I saw a quick flash of black scamper behind a pillar. Before I explain what happened next, let me just say that certain things that would otherwise seem odd become commonplace after riding the subway as much as I do. Tourists, train delays, rats.

Ah rats.

Obviously, my first reaction was that it was a massive rat. Luckily, on the other platform. I thought of warning the opposite riders but there wasn’t anyone around it. I figured it would either quickly scatter away or find the nearby dumpster, bothering no one. I was just thankful it was on the other platform.

So as I watched where I saw the massive rat, a man emerged from the other side of the pillar. How did he not see it? Oh God! It must be following him! Well now I have to say something.

As I’m about to scream out my greatest “There’s a rat behind you!” I realize he is pulling something. He is pulling something massive and black. He’s pulling the rat on a leash! Who do I alert? See something, say something right?? That is so weird! That is so -

Wait. He’s pulling his luggage.

The black mass that I originally believed to be a living breathing rodent is nothing more than a rolling carrying case for clothing and other like items. Imagine my relief at not having screamed out anything. And my disappointment at not having seen a man who had a rat as a pet. This is the kind of thinking that riding the subway has reduced me to.

Isolated T-Storms

Summers in New York have a heat and humidity that are pretty close to unbearable. And it just quadruples in the subway. Which is why I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a woman in the subway wearing a stone washed jean jacket, track pants, and rain boots all topped with a hat. Aside from the fact that I wanted to tell her the 80’s called and wanted their outfit back, I couldn’t fathom how she could be comfortable in that get up. I was sweaty just looking at her and I was in a skirt and t-shirt.

Sure there were isolated T-storms; you could argue the necessity for the boots. However, I think in situations such as this, you must weigh the pros and cons.

Pro: My feet will be dry.

Con: I will die of heat exhaustion and my obituary will consist of the naming of an MTA line and a description of my terrible outfit.

Come to think of it, her feet were probably soaked anyway…with sweat! Gross.

There are some sturdy flip-flops that handle the rain. Or even mini rain booties. I’ve seen them. They exist. And they are the perfect alternative. While we’re at it, let’s loose the jacket too.

Look, I understand that New York allows for fashion explorations. But if anyone tries to convince me that this getup proves fashionable, I will terminate our friendship…on Facebook…

In hindsight, I wish I would’ve snapped a picture as an immortal keepsake but perhaps it’s better I didn’t for all of our sakes. If you’re out there rain boot jean jacketed girl, think twice next time. Please?

Late Night

A portly fellow who was obviously on some sort of recreational substance was sitting opposite M and me on a late night train. Usually, I’m quick to ignore and hope for the best but this gentleman was wearing a lei as a crown crown, pink Crocs and checking himself out in a mini Clinique mirror; all in addition to talking to himself, of course.

The other “normal” people on the train were laughing and even I stifled a chuckle. But I became really impressed by the shock on this man’s face when he almost missed his stop. That late at night, with that much substance? And still that aware? Well, that slightly aware? Good show, my man.

Of course this whole spectacle ended with some relatable comments amongst us “normal” folks. But seated next to me was a woman who didn’t quite understand this concept. As we all gave each other a community nod and laugh, she was making assertations about other people on the train.

“That guy’s from New York because he got off the train at his stop but this guy wasn’t cause he almost missed it.”

I’m sorry. Did you just compare Mr. Cokehead to Mild Mannered Commuter? Truth is, they were probably both from New York but that was beside the point! Didn’t she see they were obviously on two different reality planes? Well, of course I had to at least attempt to lead her back to the real core of the situation.

“Well he’s definitely not from anywhere around here.” (Meaning, outer space, maybe?)

“No,” she said. “He looked Hawaiian.”

And that, my friends, was the end of that.

Guillotine

A woman got her head stuck between the doors of a car on the 2 train.

Yes, her head. The doors closed around her neck.

She was obviously trying to slip onto the train right as it was leaving. Now, I’ve seen many items stuck into closing doors to stop them. A foot, perhaps. Bags for sure. Maybe even an arm. But a head was the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen sticking into a subway car.

And the doors stayed closed for a good moment or two.

It was instantly shocking but people did rush up to help her, seeming more frightened than she did. Thankfully the doors opened, her head in tact. And she sits down, way too nonchalantly. No shudder. Nothing!

But what if it had beheaded her? Would the conductor just keep going on oblivious? I certainly would have changed cars…screaming…and pointing…

I guess it would be quite the modern guillotine. Although if it snapped off your head, I’m sure it’s safe to assume it’d snap off your arm too. That’d probably get people to stop holding doors. That, or New York would become quite the one-armed, one footed community.